I am not good at letting things unfold. I am not good at going with the flow, at sitting in the space that is what is. I want to make it right, right now. And because I can't, my mind gets wrapped up and tangled and then stuck in the tangles in a way that twists and turns around and around and around again.
It is as though I am on a very complex Mobius strip. Not those beautifully simple ones but a tangle of ribbon that turns in on itself in knots with no end. Just an over and over again path of obsession and despair and worry and sadness. And fear.
I try to disengage, with the skills I have learned over this lifetime I have lived. And perhaps the lifetimes I have lived before this, too. For these skills that I have, this knowledge and the wisdom that I bring forth this time, it has come with me into this life from other lives that I have lived. This is a truth. And so I am a wealth of information. I have smarts. And skills.
And I try and disengage from the obsessive attempt to control what is, by using all these tools. All this knowledge and smarts and wisdom. But even while I do this in one part of my head, there is this other part of me that continues the cycle. It is like I am split in two. Or more. More than two. Split into many pieces that are not quite integrated and so while parts of me are grounding in my wisdom - in the things I know are true - other parts are spinning along this tangled mess of perseveration.
One of the things that I have always wished for is peace. Peacefulness. A calm mind but more. An ability to be ok in every moment. And especially in these moments. An ability to let be what is. When I am on my Mobius strip ride I realize I have obviously not mastered this
And so the journey continues.