I was joking around with my sister last night. On Zoom. I love Zoom. It's this really nifty (did I really use that word) online meeting software like Skype or GoToMeeting but better. You can have these huge meetings with lots of people or just a one to one and share your screen and track who is on the call and who isn't and all sorts of other stuff I'm sure. I really don't know because I don't use a lot of what it probably does. But I do use the meetings. And the screen sharing. Which is really fun.
So I was on Zoom with her, because we were going over her website that she is just finishing up. She is a coach. A quite brilliant and amazing and I am not just saying this because she is my sister, but she really is quite Navalicious (this means really really good for those that don't read my writing on a regular basis and so don't know that I have a perfect Doberman dog named Nava and so Navalicious is quite extraordinary). Anyway, my sister, the courageous and dynamic coach... you can find out more about her here. Though her site is not quite done yet so you'll hit her landing page. But keep checking back. The site is coming!!
I probably should have waited to plug her once the site was actually up (I will have to plug her again once her site is actually up).... but it is all part of this point that I am trying to make here and it just flowed out this way and so the website had to be shared in all its not quite finished glory.
So we were on Zoom, websiting and all and we got to talking about other stuff. And I know what you are thinking, especially those that know her and know me and know us together. You are thinking that we probably were talking more and webbing less but this is not the case. When we have a task at hand, she and I, we are in it! Like we are committed. And so when she asked me to look at her not quite up yet site, well, that is what we did.
Ok, there may have been a bit of other stuff thrown in like what she may wear when we meet in Florida in March to see our parents with my older sister, too. And also to celebrate my birthday because how cool is that, that the three sisters will be with the two parents for my fifty-sixth (holy shit) birthday year.
So we may have talked about that. And we may have talked about food. As in the cookies she ate. Which, honestly, are made of such unnatural ingredients that calling them cookies is a stretch. They are the ones you get at like Stop & Shop or Vons. They come like eight-four cookies to a plastic container for like $3.99. And they are "vanilla" with that, you really are not quite sure what it is made from, frosting that comes in unnatural colors like Barbie Pink or Robin's Egg Blue. She ate one and a half of these. If I had been there, I would have had ten. I LOVE these cookies which really aren't. I truly do. I also love the really cheap birthday cakes sold at these supermarkets. God, I love them so much.
So yes, we talked about clothes. And food that isn't. But mostly we talked about her site. Until we were done and then we got into a real conversation about weight. As in how we feel about our weight and our bodies and our weight on our bodies. And this is what this post is about. Finally.
I was going to make this short and to the point. And funny. I was going to write: in the winter I gain like five to seven pounds and I hate it even though I need it. And that is all.
And then I was going to share some photo's of my perfect dog and the beach in the morning and maybe a picture or two of my shoes because I love my shoes. But then I got to writing and realize there is so much more to be said about this. So here goes:
In the winter, every winter, I gain five to seven pounds because it is cold. Yes, even in beautiful and warmer then most places, sunny California, in the winter it is cold and my body is like what the fuck we moved across the country to get away from the cold and it's like friggin freezing in the mornings here cold. And so I gain weight here, too. And though my body needs it my mind does not like it. Well wait (not weight), not all of my mind does not. There is a part of my mind, the healthy and self-loving part that is able to say hey, this is good, thank you beautiful and wise body for adding weight to my self so that I will stay warm in the winter when I need this extra fat.
Unfortunately, the other part of my mind, the self-doubting and unforgiving and eating disorder throwback mind is just plain unhappy about it all. And I don't have an answer for her that will satisfy her dissatisfaction.
Just as I don't have an answer for the countless other women (people, not just women, people, like men too, but this post is probably more aimed at women because I am one) who also have bodies that tend to protect them from the cold in the winter and do this beautiful thing and wrap them in an extra layer of warmth to ward off the cold.
I don't have an answer but I do have the question.
Why do we do this?
Why is it so hard to recognize the amazing and miraculous and extraordinary and mystical and magic ways that our bodies do all these incredible things - like add a little extra warmth to our frame when the temperature drops to like six degrees! (ok where I am in Cali, its thirty-five degrees which feels like spring to those in New England right now. I know and I am sorry but it's all relative and I am cold. Not cold like you are cold. I will give you that).
And it's not just about weight. It is about so much really. We forget (I forget) to see the wonder and brilliance of all that is me in favor of seeing the not quite enough and something is not right and why can't it be better than it is. And so I love my winter coat more than I love my winter self (it is quite an amazing coat actually. I've included a photograph below).
I am not sure that I will do much more than recognize that I do this. That I discount my worth rather than honor my girth (I did not plan this rhyme, honest) in these winter months. Or anytime really. But the conversation is an important one to have.
And this is all I have.
Oh, except pictures. As in why I included above those pictures of me. Teagan took them for me, a few days ago. I needed some new ones for my websites and was like do you want to take them for me now? and she said sure and so we did and I really liked the funny faces ones. We, as in me and my kids and my husband, too and also my parents and their kids which is me and and my sisters, we would play this game. We'd say make your face small or make your face wide and come up with all these silly faces. It was fun and made us laugh. And when I saw the photos Teagan took of me and so these few the plan was to use them and write something about that. But then I wrote about this instead. And used the pictures anyway. So that is that.
And here is the pic of my awesome coat.
Mother, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Dancer, Dog and Cat lover.