So I am thinking about where I’m at on this almost New Year’s Day, day before New Year’s Eve, Monday Morning Writing.
 
Where I’m at and what I want for this New Year.  And what I want is sweetness. 
 
No pressure or resolutions. No agenda or expectation. 
 
Only a wish for a sweet and slow transition into 2025.  This last year went fast, it feels.  
 
I do have a word for this New Year 2025. My word is ease. Ease. Easeful. Not easy. It doesn’t have to be easy.  Just easeful—with comfort and peace.
 
Wishing you that which is best for you as you step into this New Year, as well.  
 
And thank you for your support of my writing this past year. And all the past years before this past one, too.  I am grateful that you are willing to join me on my writing journey.
 
So here are my dogs.  I mean really, could they be any sweeter.
 
I think they have pretty much the same shape face and body except that Moose is wearing a sweater and Pixie is not. 
 

A Happy, Happy New Year to you.   

I remember, I think it was my sophomore year of college. I decided that I was going to write a paper earlier than the last minute. And I remember doing research on it and writing an outline and preparing and doing this organized, structured, and responsible process and my paper sucked ass. It was probably the worst paper I wrote in college. I know I got like a really shitty grade. And I decided never again that I would do that. That I would go back to what I always did which was wing it at the last minute. And be creative and pull shit out of my ass and be great. And that’s what I did.
 
And then I pretty much ended up doing that for everything else I’ve ever done for the rest of my life. Which is why I like cold reads in the theater, because it’s just spontaneous and in the moment and why I would never prepare for an audition and why I don’t practice stuff often before I do it and all of that.
 
And then I had an audition last week for a play that I really really really wanted. And I prepared for it and I friggin memorized the monologue and rehearsed and worked with Teagan on it and made sure that I had it down. And I fucking sucked the audition like I sucked ass like I walked on the stage to do it in an outfit that matched the character and started in and I was nervous—my nervous system was completely deregulated—and I couldn’t remember a thing that I had done.
 
And I had to stop and start again and then I had to stop and start again, again. And then I had to hold the script and even holding the script I spoke too fast and I wasn’t in character and then I got to do it second time where I got a little bit better. And then I got to read for some of the other characters that I’d also somewhat prepared for, and I sucked ass at those also. And didn’t get a role.
 
Maybe I’m not supposed to be in this play because I am in this other performance in Santa Barbara that I’ve been wanting to do for many years now that Teagan has been in, and has been directing the last few years, and I’m actually performing in her piece.
 
And I couldn’t do both. 
 
For her piece—I fucking thought it was a dance piece, which is my sweet spot, and it’s actually a voice piece which is awful because it means I have to make sound. And lately in my internal self-reflection work I’m learning that I am really uncomfortable making sound. And I have stepped into a piece about making sound where I have to make sound. Fuck.
 
But anyway, not getting this role in this play that I so badly wanted to be in and that I’m so upset about letting myself down on because I sucked ass on my audition is maybe a blessing because I get to be at this other production that I really want to be and also, that is putting me into this container of discomfort around making sound which aligns with the fact that I’m doing work right now on that. 
 
I didn’t realize that I didn’t like making sound. Back when I was unaware, I made a lot of sound in terms of raising my voice and yelling and being angry and dropping into rage. Sound comes out very easily in those moments. 
 
And then I stepped into a triad during my somatic experiencing workshops that I’m training in and we had an exercise around sound, and I had to turn my camera off because I didn’t want anyone to see my face while I made sounds I needed to make because it was just so uncomfortable. And I’m like oh shit man I just don’t wanna do this. 
 
So what’s that about? 
 
And then I was rehearsing the monologue for the play that I really wanted to get that I just sucked ass at for this audition, and Teagan was doing some voice work with me to annunciate better and wanted me to make sounds and I started to cry. Because you know I don’t wanna do that because for some reason… Well I’m not even gonna try and figure this out… it will come to me when I’m ready.
 
Anyway, I didn’t get the part in the play and I’m never gonna prepare for an addition again. I’m just gonna go in and cold read and wing it and bring it and do it. And in the meantime, I get to be in a performance of sound. And stand in this for a while.
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I collect quotes.
 
Quotes, statements, paragraphs packed with wisdom.  Memes. Often they are memes. The current Prophet’s current communication vehicle. 
 
Sometimes I am like, “woah, this fell into my lap/phone screen in such a profound way. I must really need to hear this.”
 
Other times, I am like, “fucking FB algorithms.”
 
I recently deactivated my FB. Not because of the fucking algorithms. Because of the brain suck. I literally could lose an hour(s) at a time scrolling.  Well aware that I am losing an hour at a time scrolling and giving that some thought while doing it.
 
I have an AD(h)D mind and so can multi-task within the confines of my brain.  Often the tasks are in conflict, as is (was) the case with scrolling for an hour at a time while working through the process of not scrolling and how that would feel during the hour at a time.
 
While thinking of needing to learn a monologue for an audition while thinking about an old friend or not and what is that email that I need to send as a recap for my work and where are my dogs. 
 
My AD(h)D mind doodles. It is a way to keep part of this mind of mine so busy so the rest of me can pay attention to the task at hand. 
 
I had a funny conversation with my husband the other day. Well not really a conversation, I asked him a question. In the midst of the conversation. I asked him a question and before he could get like two words of his answer out I asked a different one. They seemed related to me. We laughed.
 
He’s got to get quicker on the answer or my mind gets bored and it’s time to move on.
 
Did you know that you can’t be in anxiety if you’re in curiosity?
 
I didn’t ever (like ever) think I had AD(h)D.  I don’t think I have the “h” actually—hence the lower case “h.” Though I do understand that…    I forgot what I was going to say.
 
This is a great quote— “No person can step into the same river twice,” from the Greek philosopher, Heraclitus.
 
A great quote, right! 
 
That has nothing to do with anything else I’ve just talked about but hey…. Well maybe it does. I have to think about this.
 
Did you know that the nervous system is constantly trying to regulate itself?  It’s called pendulation. I’m taking a training for my Somatic Experiencing certification. I was in my Beginner, Level II training last week for four days, from 10-5:30 each day. I cannot sit still.  
 
And this is cool, I have an audition tonight and did a play reading just this past weekend.  Lots of creativity going on.  We flew to Massachusetts for like 36 hours. My husband and I, for me to do this reading of a play that a friend wrote.  I had reached out this past spring with a “would you write a play again” request. And what an amazing play that we got to read to a small audience for feedback and reaction. It was beautiful.
 
A quick trip. We saw our grandkids. God they are so friggin’ delicious.
 
Here’s a great quote from my SE training teacher: “It’s difficult when we want to be in connection with ourselves, when being in connection with ourselves was dangerous in the past.”
 
Oh, and I took a ballet class last week. My back said “what the fuck” and my soul was like “this is the best thing ever!”
 
~
 
An afterthought:
 
This photo, with this writing, is an attempt at a “pano” on my phone.  I use this panoramic photo option all the time and my panoramic photos come out great. So, not sure why this one came out like this, this time. But so friggin’ cool, right!? 
 
I wasn’t sure of the best photo for this writing.  And then I found this photo on my phone and thought this would be a good one. Not an AD(h)D one just an interesting one. But then, placed below my title of my writing I was like “is this my AD(h)D brain? It is not. It may look like that to you if, a) you have an ADHD brain that looks like this, or b) don’t have an ADHD brain. For me, my brain is not swirly. Chaotic, yes. Swirly, no.
 
And here's the thing that I think this photo is telling me. It’s saying that maybe when we try to see more than we are able to see, it gets misconstrued and out of whack and not quite right. Maybe we need to keep the camera, that is our eye, still. And the breadth of our vision will enlarge when we’re ready to have those outside our vision things come into view on their own time.
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