Sound

I remember, I think it was my sophomore year of college. I decided that I was going to write a paper earlier than the last minute. And I remember doing research on it and writing an outline and preparing and doing this organized, structured, and responsible process and my paper sucked ass. It was probably the worst paper I wrote in college. I know I got like a really shitty grade. And I decided never again that I would do that. That I would go back to what I always did which was wing it at the last minute. And be creative and pull shit out of my ass and be great. And that’s what I did.
 
And then I pretty much ended up doing that for everything else I’ve ever done for the rest of my life. Which is why I like cold reads in the theater, because it’s just spontaneous and in the moment and why I would never prepare for an audition and why I don’t practice stuff often before I do it and all of that.
 
And then I had an audition last week for a play that I really really really wanted. And I prepared for it and I friggin memorized the monologue and rehearsed and worked with Teagan on it and made sure that I had it down. And I fucking sucked the audition like I sucked ass like I walked on the stage to do it in an outfit that matched the character and started in and I was nervous—my nervous system was completely deregulated—and I couldn’t remember a thing that I had done.
 
And I had to stop and start again and then I had to stop and start again, again. And then I had to hold the script and even holding the script I spoke too fast and I wasn’t in character and then I got to do it second time where I got a little bit better. And then I got to read for some of the other characters that I’d also somewhat prepared for, and I sucked ass at those also. And didn’t get a role.
 
Maybe I’m not supposed to be in this play because I am in this other performance in Santa Barbara that I’ve been wanting to do for many years now that Teagan has been in, and has been directing the last few years, and I’m actually performing in her piece.
 
And I couldn’t do both. 
 
For her piece—I fucking thought it was a dance piece, which is my sweet spot, and it’s actually a voice piece which is awful because it means I have to make sound. And lately in my internal self-reflection work I’m learning that I am really uncomfortable making sound. And I have stepped into a piece about making sound where I have to make sound. Fuck.
 
But anyway, not getting this role in this play that I so badly wanted to be in and that I’m so upset about letting myself down on because I sucked ass on my audition is maybe a blessing because I get to be at this other production that I really want to be and also, that is putting me into this container of discomfort around making sound which aligns with the fact that I’m doing work right now on that. 
 
I didn’t realize that I didn’t like making sound. Back when I was unaware, I made a lot of sound in terms of raising my voice and yelling and being angry and dropping into rage. Sound comes out very easily in those moments. 
 
And then I stepped into a triad during my somatic experiencing workshops that I’m training in and we had an exercise around sound, and I had to turn my camera off because I didn’t want anyone to see my face while I made sounds I needed to make because it was just so uncomfortable. And I’m like oh shit man I just don’t wanna do this. 
 
So what’s that about? 
 
And then I was rehearsing the monologue for the play that I really wanted to get that I just sucked ass at for this audition, and Teagan was doing some voice work with me to annunciate better and wanted me to make sounds and I started to cry. Because you know I don’t wanna do that because for some reason… Well I’m not even gonna try and figure this out… it will come to me when I’m ready.
 
Anyway, I didn’t get the part in the play and I’m never gonna prepare for an addition again. I’m just gonna go in and cold read and wing it and bring it and do it. And in the meantime, I get to be in a performance of sound. And stand in this for a while.
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