Fuckin' Suckin' on the Cello

I am learning to play the cello.  I am not great at it.  This I know is true.  But definitely better than when I started.  When I started I sucked at it.  When I started it sounded like an alarm is going off in my home when I played.

At first I was overwhelmed. 

I come from a piano trained background, where I play with five fingers – the thumb being finger number one - and so I have theoretically lost a finger. My second finger is now my first finger and I have only four.  Four fingers.  And down is up on a cello.  On a piano, up is up.  I move my fingers up the keys and the notes go up the scale.  On a cello, to move up the scale I need to move my fingers down the strings.  So I’ve lost a finger and down is up.

But that is not all…

My cello has a wolf.  This is a real thing. All cellos have wolves. And my job, as a cellist, is to tame my wolf so that he does not howl. My wolf is very aggressive. But we have come to an understanding and he is quieter. Somewhat quieter.  Occasionally quieter… so maybe we don’t have an understanding…

What I really need to do is work with him more, this wolf of mine. So that he stops howling all the time.  He really is howling because he wants attention.  And I really do want to give him that.

Because I really want to play well. That deep resonance that comes forth from the strings of this beautiful instrument settles deep in my soul.  I love this sound.  I hear it in the background of any piece of music that is lucky enough to have a cello in it.  I hear it and I see myself moving to it.  And I want to play like that.

Now I am not a natural musician.  I am a trained one.  On the piano.  And a not a very well trained one at that.  I cannot sit down and jam with you.  But give me a sheet of music and I can sight read pretty well.  And give me a few hours and I can pull off a pretty fine attempt at playing what I learned. 

And I fake it great, too.  Give me that right hand and I can pull the left one out of my ass and onto the keys and chords will come forth as if on their own.  But everything kinda sounds a bit the same. 

I have not been playing the piano lately.  Basically because I don't have one right now.  So it makes it difficult to play.  And when I am lucky to come across a piano, when I am out or at someone's home, I can not play much because I am not a natural musician and don't carry my sheet music around with me and so my repertoire is limited and I sound…trained…not spontaneous. 

This is frustrating for me.  As someone who loves to create, I want to create this music that is in me.  I think I must have been a musician in another life before this one.  Or in many lives.  Because the music is in there.  I just don't have those natural skills that allow it to come up in that truly inspiring way. 

But this got me thinking about the gifts that I do have and reminds me to settle into those and not drag myself down wishing for the ones that I do not have. 

I am an empath.  And am also a bit psychic.  A receiver of information.  These are great gifts.  A burden at times, too.  Until I learned the self care that comes with these abilities. Until I learned to let the feelings and information that flowed into me flow thru me and out again.  Until then, taking all this in was overwhelming.  Now it is enlightening.  

I am a great writer.  I was going to write “a good writer”.  But today I feel great.  Some days my writing is good.  Some days, not so good at all.  But other days great.  Today I am feeling great even though this specific writing is really only good.  But good enough.  And that is great, too. So I am a great writer.

I am a really good person to the people in my life - my friends, my family.  I am loyal and honest and supportive.  I am there in an instant if you need me.  I do not judge.  I love unconditionally.

I am a fucking awesome mom.  Truly.  Nothing else to say here.

And I have great clothes and shoes.  Is that a gift???  Regardless, it belongs on this list.

And these gifts that I have, the common thread in all of them is that I use them every day. I nurture them.  I practice them.

I practice my skills as an empath and a receiver of information.  I practice by being aware.  I am mindful of these gifts and allow myself to be open and to recognize the power in them and to see how they enhance my relationships and allow me to give back to others from a place of knowledge and understanding.

I practice my writing by writing.  Writing comes naturally to me (unlike music) and so is easy for me in many ways.  But I still practice it by doing it. And every time I write I get better at it. More aware of language.  Of the rhythm of my words.  Of the images that I am able to bring forth. 

I practice kindness and compassion in every interaction I have.  I stay self-aware.  And when I feel that bubbling of anger or annoyance or judgment come up from inside me I practice the art of self-examination - of why these feelings are coming to the surface and what they mean about me.  Because that is really what it is all about.

I practice my mothering.  Because this role is ever changing.  And now I am a mother of three adult children and so must learn again the skills to navigate this time in their lives. To be supportive but allow space between us.  To be critical in a neutral way when they ask for advice so they can hear another perspective but not feel stifled.  To be loving and proud of them and hold them close in my heart but still let them soar into their own lives.

I practice all these things every day. They do not feel like practice. They feel like life.  And so actually, I am practicing life.  And so living my best life. 

So back to my cello. I want to play my cello the way I play my life.  The way that I am able to do these things I have written about above.  It is good that I wrote about all these gifts above. It reminds me that I actually practice these gifts every day. 

I will practice my cello every day. Even just a little bit. And I will become better and better at it.  Will I be a musician in the way that other musicians just blow me away? No, I will not be that. 

But my wolf and I will settle into a true collaboration and my best music will come forth.