So, I live in the soul connection world where I get to drop into my pineal gland and have conversations with other people across energetic fields of love and connection. And I live in my human body and navigate my daily life through the human experience. The human experience is harder than the soul dance experience. The soul dance experience is beautiful.
If I could live in the soul dance all the time that would be friggin’ incredible because it’s surrounded by love and unconditional acceptance and everyone speaks from their higher self because they are their higher self and it feels fucking amazing. Human experience not so much. There are definitely those exquisite moments of joy and gratitude and connection with the other humans that I’ve chosen to incarnate with down here in our human bodies. But there’s angst and trauma and loss and grief and misunderstanding and miscommunication and despair and loneliness and so when I leave that to tap into my conversations that exist above this realm of existence there’s always that fleeting moment where I say God I wish I can stay up here and God laughs because he always laughs when I say things like this.
(quick note: my experience of God as he appears to me, is male energy. That doesn’t mean your experience of him, as he appears to you, is the same… and what a good idea for a separate post, right?)
Back to God. So, I say what I say, and he laughs. He actually laughs before I even finish saying what I say because he doesn’t have to wait to respond until I complete my thought since he knows what it’s going to be anyway. That’s how I know it’s him talking. It’s a timing thing. The Universe does this, too. (here’s that gender thing again) She absolutely knows my thoughts before they are formed and speaks up quite quickly. And then there is the voice inside me, the wise part. I call her my Witness. She sits on my shoulder and looks like a fairy. She also responds before thoughts are formed. She didn’t used to. Sometimes it took a good ten minutes before she would speak up. But now she is quick. And she loves me.
So, I have those fleeting moments where I say God I wish I could live up here and he laughs and then I say no I can’t do that because that’s not where I’m supposed to be. I’ve chosen to ground down here. And I go back into my body.
And that’s the game of spiritual bypass. Because we want to bypass all this shit. Because it doesn’t feel good and it’s challenging and we cry a lot. But we can’t because then we’ll end up back up in Soul Land with our cast of players, who showed up exactly the way we asked them to so we could learn the lessons that we’re supposed to learn, will say what the fuck are you doing here? Now you’re going to have to go back in your next life and do all this shit all over again. because you bypassed it this time around.
And then here I am again, back in the human body, doing the work of being human.
Self-portraits, September 2016, Monterey, Massachusetts
Pineal Meditation, by Kelly Schwegel,
These pictures are a capture of the last 10 years of my life. Upper left is 2012, the center, 2022. A capturing, a rendering, a visual reflection on growth and change, grief and joy, love and loss and loss again with lots of love thrown in. And through it all a constant stepping into Crone. In a big way.
But let me step back to the beginning.
I’m sitting in this law school class looking at this professor and thinking how much I just fucking hate her and as my thoughts crystallize clear in my mind she spins around and she stares right at me because she heard me. She fucking heard my silent thoughts as I sent them like daggers into her face—that’s how much I dislike this woman in that instant that she opened her mouth to teach me the law.
I can’t remember if I held her gaze or not. I’d like to think I did because I’m a bad ass and that would be what would give me a sense of pride which is truly a terrible emotion to feel when it is toxic like this. But in all likelihood, I didn’t. I probably looked for a split second and then looked away thinking that if our eyes weren’t meeting she couldn’t read my thoughts even though she could. And then I proceeded to try to pay attention and take the terrible notes that I take because I don’t know how to take notes because I’m an auditory learner and writing other people’s information down escapes me.
And then all of a sudden class was over, probably in the next two minutes even though it was probably an hour later, and I packed up my books to walk out of the classroom and she was standing at the door.
I looked at her to thank her in my absolutely disingenuous way as a coping mechanism for my embarrassment and shame because she read my mind, and she looked deeply at me and said I know you want to do this work, but you are not in Crone yet. You are still in Mother. And she smiled at me. What the fuck, right?
You see I had been stepping into my powers more. I was absolutely in Mother, with three children ages not even 1, 3 and 5, and I was dabbling a little bit in witchcraft. It resonated with me at that time, though I realized very quickly that the goddess power is not necessarily the only power I possessed. But at that moment it felt good—it felt feminine and in alignment with who I was showing up as in the world.
And my psychic powers were really strong. They always had been since I was little and I foretold the future and a ghost lived in my room who messed up my stuff. And now, with my kids quite young and during my moon cycle, my powers were strong. And I was playing in them quite often.
I’m thinking that it was all good. And then this woman that I fucking hated in an instant when I saw her face as she started to teach me the law said that I couldn’t do that now because I was in Mother. And my energy needed to flow outward to the care of my children and the nurturing of their power not inward to the care of myself and the nurturing of mine.
I truly don’t remember what I said to her in response. I think I might’ve said how do you know this? But I might’ve just looked at her. In my rewrite of my story, I said something wise but that might not have been true either. And she said we’ll talk about this more.
And in that instant this woman that I hated so much as she started to teach me the law became my mentor. And I loved her. And this experience has stayed with me forever and has become the foundation of literally all the work that I do and all the work that I teach other people to do around their powers and around their cycles of knowledge and gifts of intuition.
And when young women come to me as they are holding their babies and tell me their secrets, I tell them it will be hard to do this work right now because you are in Mother not in Crone so take your focus and move it outward to the nurturing and care of your children. And when the time comes, you too can step fully into your power.
Mother, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Dancer, Rower, Runner, Dog and Cat lover.