I Am Both Riding This Roller Coaster And Running This Ride At The Same Time

In this current journey of, dare I say tragic, transformation, I keep getting messages. From the Universe. A quote or a meme. Something in an article I read. In an overheard conversation or something someone says directly to me. Small pieces of information offered up. And while I will often question “am I reading into this message something that is not there?” I do believe there is no coincidence and information is all around us to help us on our way.
 
And this is doable. 
 
The Universe is also offering up some not so small moments. These are not messages from with-out of me but rather moments from within me that I find myself landing in. These are moments, in each day, where the portal opens and I am in it. 
 
This happens most every early morning. I am awakening each day around 4AM and there is this about two-hour window of wake/sleep where I am in a dimension that is the deepest place of self-discovering.
 
This transportation into this realm feels like a re-activation of a medicine journey which is really the activation of my higher knowing. That place where the information lives.
 
When I am being pulled into the portal, there is this here I go again feeling. I am on the roller coaster and we’re at the end of the climb and about to head into the intense part of the ride. 
 
I hate roller coasters.
 
So, this ride into the portal of my mind. I can always tell when it’s coming. There is an energetic aura that shows up right before. Kind of like that tingling that happens before a hot flash or that aura that happens before a migraine. There is this energetic shift, and then a tightening in my belly and I know, ok, this is happening in like, five, four, three…here we go.
 
I am exhausted. Awakening to the meaning in each moment means that I am hyper aware that each moment might be the next one. I am riding the roller coaster each morning and then again throughout each day, and I don’t know when I will find myself taking this ride. 
 
While the mornings are constant, the rest of my day are a constant surprise. Will I join the ride while driving my car? Maybe while I’m on a run or in a dance class. Or watching a show that triggers a thought of a feeling that compels the Universe to take the opportunity to connect the dots and connect me back into this alternate reality, which, in reality is the true reality of what happened in my life, as I am learning that what I thought happened in my life is not the reality at all.
 
And so now there is also a questioning. Of what is real. If I can create all these stories of what was what, and now am discovering that what was what is not what happened after all…well… do I do this all the time?
 
So, while I am in this place of discovery, what is also swirling through my brain on a daily/constant/reality questioning basis is this—What is the story? What is the truth? Do we write or rewrite what happens because life is but a dream and we are all just living the fiction of this human experience anyway so….
 
If I didn’t know that I was sane, and I read this, I’d think I was insane. 
 
And I truly want a break. I want to shut this all down. Say to the Universe, you are moving too fast, you are showing too much. I can’t take this all in.  
 
I meet with this amazing practitioner I am working with. And our conversation the other day was about the constant information that the Universe has been offering me. I am getting depleted, I said. (I am losing my mind, I thought) And while I am so hungry to complete the story that is now only unfolding in flashback and snapshots and images and body awareness somatic actions and reactions that have no cognitive story yet, I am feeling that I need a break, too. 
 
And this wise woman asked me, have you thought of creating some boundaries?
 
This never entered my mind. You mean, I can tell the Universe I can’t talk right now?  
 
You would think I would know that this information we get from other worlds—the spirits and ghosts and angels and guides, and God and the Universe—that I could structure this discourse in the best way for me. It doesn’t have to be that I receive all this information when it is offered. I can say, “Hey Universe, I don’t think I have the capacity to engage in this right now.” You would think I would know this, but truly, it never entered my mind that I am both riding this roller coaster and running this ride at the same time.
 
The other night/early morning/4AM wakeup, I woke up to that tingling that proceeds the dropping in. I can’t do this right now, I said. And I went back to sleep.