My mother-in-law had two sayings: life is maintenance and we're all just tubes. She said these a lot. It was always funny. And always true in that simple yet somewhat disturbing way. And even after the many years that I spent time with her before she got too deeply lost in her lack of memories and could not communicate anymore, I find myself repeating these two mantras quite often myself.
Today is a life maintenance day. And I hate it. Because I suck at it. And because the things that need maintaining are things that make me mad. Like insurance claims. And electric bills. And traffic tickets. But mainly because I suck at it.
I am a disorganized person. There. I said it. I am. The funny thing is that I don't think of myself this way. I think of myself as really having a handle on things. But really I am just winging it each day. And since most days there is not a lot of life maintenance to have to maintain, my pulling it out of my ass way of functioning works quite well. But on days like this, days where I have to figure out a claim or navigate a website or understand why my electric bill has a charge even though I have solar panels and have been bragging that I'll never have an electric bill charge, on days like this I am pretty much overwhelmed.
And this is how it feels.
I wake up to the thought that the claim and/or ticket and/or bill is still down there on the counter for me to have to take care of if I can only find the paperwork in the pile of other items that I either also need to take care of or have not filed yet because I don't really have a filing system or have not thrown out yet because even sorting through paperwork is somewhat - ok very - tough for me. So I wake up to this thought that there is life maintenance to maintain and then I get this somewhat sick to my stomach feeling coupled with a dose of anxiety that stays with me until I get these things that are hanging over my head taken care of.
The thing is I know I can take care of these things. That I am capable. And that once I make the call and/or pay the bill and/or learn why for gods sake I have a charge on my electric bill even though I have solar panels, that once I take care of it all I will feel really good. Clean and uncluttered and free of these tasks.
I try to put myself in this place. The place where I have completed these tasks. I jump there in my brain in much the same way that I will go to that after-eating-the-entire-leftover-cake-that-is-in-the-refrigerator-and-also-the-leftover-frosting-I-will-feel-like-shit place and so I don't indulge. Because if I can catch even a glimpse of how good I will feel when the bills are paid and the claims are resolved and I don't have a ticket hanging over my head it motivates me to pull it all together and take care of this shit.
I was able to do this today. As in just about half an hour ago. I got my life maintenance mojo on and tackled these things. And now they're gone. And I have a free day in front of me. And also got a great writing out of it.
A day of accomplishments. Until the next bill arrives.
Oh...and about that other saying - we're all just tubes - that one is pretty self-explanatory....
Wishing you a low maintenance and peaceful day!
Mother, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Dancer, Rower, Runner, Dog and Cat lover.