The Challenge That Is Vulnerability or Swimming In The Deep Blue Sea

I went in the ocean yesterday. For those who know me this is a big deal. I don't do water. Especially cold water. At all. I do showers. I love showers. I love sitting in the shower and sit there for a very long time. Or not so long lately because of the drought, but still I sit there. Letting the hot water hit over me and wash my troubles down the drain. 

But cold water. I don't do that.

So to go in the ocean yesterday, this is a big deal. And not only did I go in, I swam around. I played in the waves, diving under the ones that crashed too close and being lifted high on those that I caught just right. I did not ride any waves into the shore, however. My last wave riding experience had me tumbling over and over, the surf and the sand in my face and my hair, my mouth and my nose. I am not sure how old I was then but I remember it still. And so wave riding is not happening. Yet. 

So I am in the water. And feeling it. My husband and I. Together. And I am present in this moment and happy. And that is all. And it is incredible. There were no other thoughts. No worry about things that I needed to do. No thoughts about things I did wrong. Nothing but the movement of the water, the heat of the sun, the love of my companion.

This water and sun and surf experience was the culmination of a day of many firsts. Of finding new ways to communicate. Of learning to trust in ways that hadn't happened before. Of breaking down barriers that were built over time. Mine more then his. But his, too. For just like the surf, that pounds the sand and throws us around if we are not careful, relationships too can take us for a ride that may cause us to tumble at times.

And so for me, these tumbles and turns that coincide with love and family, raising kids and pets and more pets still, these tumbles scared me enough to stop going in the water. I stayed safely on the sand. And if felt like a good place to be. Safe. Careful. I was still at the beach. Still engaged. Would even dip my toes in the water every now and again but just when the tide would hit around mid thigh, I'd back up. And my barriers would come down.

But not yesterday. And not this morning either. And what I hope for myself, what my intention is, is that I'll walk into the surf each day from now on. I know there will be hesitation. That I'll start my walk towards the water and want to turn back, because the cold will be too much or I'll worry that the pull of the ocean tide will pull me under with it. Still, I am feeling really confident that I will be able to open myself up and let life in. I know this because I don't want to miss what I felt yesterday. And the only way to feel that happiness is to dive right into each day.

And someday... not right away, but soon, I may even ride those waves to wherever they take me.