The Funny Psychology Of Having To Do Something Verses Wanting To Do Something

So I think I changed my mind.

Which is not a surprising thing at all. Not that I do it a lot. I am one to stick to my convictions, honor my commitments, stand true to my decisions. So it's not the constant, frequent thing that I decide to do something and then decide to do something else. Because most often what I decide to do is deeply connected to my true self. And so in the decision is also the honoring of what is real and authentic in me.

But still there are times I change my mind.

Take my careers for example. I have career ADD. (Correctly known as ADHD but my career ADD does not have the hyperactivity in it....well I don't think it does (you'll need to ask my husband and kids for a more honest opinion of that).  So, I have career ADD in that I would change careers. A lot. From retail buyer to law student to SAT prep test teacher to model and actor to selling art to Starbucks barista and then to lawyer/mediator. What is next is still a mystery. So there I changed my mind.

But it was not as mindless as it seemed. It was that all these different opportunities, they resonated within me and I felt compelled to follow the journey. See where it led. Discover new things. And then decide whether it was right for me after all. Lawyering was. So was acting. And I make a fantastic latte, a skill I will keep with me forever.

And so it is with this writing. These writings. My weekly writings. I thought I was done with it for now. Because this story/novel/whatever it turns out to be that is brewing inside my mind was getting bigger and that I wanted to focus on that.

But there is more.

I was starting to feel that this was an obligation. This weekly writing. It became something more than just the joy of writing and sharing my thoughts. A chore in a way. Something that I had to do because I said I would. And even though once I started writing, the words would flow smooth and true and each week I wrote something that I felt proud to share and looked forward to sharing, still the time leading up to my writing each week was starting to bog me down. But then I said I was stopping this. The weekly writing. And all week I sat in that decision and it felt imbalanced.

Was it just that change causes a re-weighting until I find my footing again or was it more?

And waking up this morning I realized it was more. Because you see, I kinda lost my way from when I started these weekly writings. Because you see, when I started I was choosing to write each day. And so was inspired and excited. But somewhere along the way I forgot to choose. And when we do this we lose the love of it. We lose our joy of it. Our passion. And our fulfillment.

I read this wonderful piece on line, a long time ago, about choosing your spouse every day. That if we wake up every morning and look at this person that we love and choose them again each day, well that this will create the intention that will then exist within that relationship. It is a beautiful thing to choose your partner every day. It honors them. And it reminds us that we have that choice and that we are wanting to be with this person. Every day.

And so it is with my writing. 

​And so here is it. Today.